Who is the inner child?

It’s the little you:

How is the inner child formed?

From the day that we are born, we are innocent and instantly accept all of the information we receive. Since a child is new to the world we need our caregivers to nurture us in order to survive. We are influenced and therefore shaped by our parents or guardians; taught right from wrong and punished or rewarded. Our parents shape our belief system, view of the world, and impose their expectations upon us.

Children have no choice but to comply to whatever expectations and standards are put upon them. A child has no point of reference of what a healthy or unhealthy family dynamic looks like. Therefore, growing up, how would a child know if their family is functional or dysfunctional? To each child, whatever they are going through would seem normal. How would they know otherwise? This is called normalization, i.e. rationalizing abnormal, harmful, toxic, and abusive treatment as normal.

Since a child rely’s on their caregivers for survival they accept whatever they are being told. Some of those truths or mistruths are pushed on them by family members, by school, by church, by their community, by peers, and by society as a whole. In most cases parents have the most power and influence over a child’s development.

More importantly when we fail to meet our parent or guardians expectations of us it can cause us pain. In order to protect ourselves from emotional pain, we create defence mechanisms and sub-personalities in order to numb out from past wound(s) and past trauma(s).

Many children grow up feeling they have not lived up to their parents expectations in one way or another. There may be feelings of guilt and or shame that are deeper than any intellectual insight we may have. These feelings of guilt and or shame go back to our earliest years. A child may feel forbidden to express their true emotions, thoughts, needs, preferences, and grievances. A child’s sense of not having lived up to their parents expectations can feel oppressive and stay with them into adulthood. Many children grow up negatively affected by the expectations, roles and standards placed upon them as children.

How does the inner child impact us as an adult?

Looking backwards creates if only phrases like these:

The Wounded adult identifies themselves as a victim, getting stuck in a story of suffering and feeling hopeless. Themes of rejection, failure, unworthiness and longing are all prevalent in this initial common pattern.  The pain from a childhood wound will replay itself over and over in adult life until the trauma is tended to and healed. You are bound to recreate the dynamics experienced in childhood, with you as the victim.

If you were bullied at school or picked on by siblings, cousins or other peers you may continue to feel bullied as an adult by co-workers, friends and other peer groups. If you were abused by a parent or an adult you may feel abused by your boss at work, or any other perceived authority figure. Your present reactions and perception will match the way you coped with the abuse or bullying as a child.

For example…. If you suffered a handicap as a child and needed constant care you may recreate the dynamic as a caretaker in your personal relationship(s). Pay attention to the“this always happens to me” type of experiences. This can be an effective tool for recognizing the wounded child within the adult that causes us pain.

How do we heal?

1. Acknowledging the little in you

 

You may want to tell your inner Child

• I love you
• I hear you
• I’m sorry
• I am proud of you
• You are smart
• You are good enough
• I forgive you

2. Forgiveness, self-love and acceptance.

Forgiveness is one of those words that is routinely misused and misunderstood.  Letting go is not forgiveness although forgiveness cannot happen until you let go first. Forgiveness is what happens when you stop rejecting the true cause of your suffering.

Forgiveness means making room for more.

When we are unforgiving, we reject our hurtful past by not allowing it to be a part of us. Forgiveness is opening up and making room for hurt and losses.

Healing is about feeling the pain and being emotionally uncomfortable. Feeling emotions and not numbing out is often the most difficult task for people. Sometimes our inner child may just need a hug from our adult self.

The Enlightened Wounded Child discovers that by entering the darkness of their pain and working through it, they can stand in the fire of pain and not be burned.

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Sub-personalities are fragments of a whole. They are the parts of us that we use to meet our needs, as well as protect ourselves. We use these personalities to adapt to different situations, to tailor our reactions in order to get the desired response from others. These personalities come in several combinations and take different forms in each person.  Each of us has between four and eight sub-personalities, which I have listed below:

1) Abuser/Bully
2) Addict
3) Approval Seeker
4) Caretaker
5) Chronic Crier
6) Comedian
7) Controller
8) Inner Critic
9) Fixer/ rescuer
10) Judge
11) Lost Child
12) Martyr
13) Over Achiever
14) People Pleaser
15) Perfectionist
16) Pillar of strength
17) Rebel
18) Spiritualist
19) Teacher
20) Victim 

In my office I often see this combination amongst other combinations that I will write about in future blogs.  These three often pair together and have much in common; “The Inner Critic”, the “Judge”, and the “Perfectionist”. Each of these sub personalities and those above will transform to meet the needs of the situation and those that we are interacting with. Knowing these sub-personalities and how they affect your reactions is important so that you can see when they are doing more harm than good.

The inner critic is that little voice that attempts to keep us safe, that little flashing warning sign that goes off when something doesn’t feel quite right. It is a collection of the judgments and criticisms that we have received our entire lives (both positive and negative) that is meant to keep us on track. This little voice can often manifest itself in a negative way, especially when coupled with the judge. This sub-personality is like a built in security system, meant to keep us in check with reality. In order for this sub-personality to do more good than harm we need to learn to communicate with it. By making choices independent of the criticisms, assessing the validity of those criticisms, and changing the negative into positive, we can use the inner critic to take a more whole look at situations.

The judge often comes paired with the inner critic. This sub-personality projects poor self-image in order to defend and protect. It is based in shame from previous criticisms and has a strong hold within our fear of rejection. It will attempt to control the situation by pointing to others’ flaws and shortcomings instead of allowing us to come to terms with our own. The judge is often decisive and observant, but is also intolerant and far too judgmental of others and ourselves. In order to combat the judge in us we need to learn to face our fear of rejection, accepting that we will not always be accepted. We also need to do inner work on self-image and the basis of the shame in our lives. By stopping the negative behaviour and addressing the inner messages we are receiving, we can learn to see the bigger picture and be more accepting of ourselves and of others.

The perfectionist is another shame-based sub personality. This shame is based in past failures. The perfectionist causes us to be more expectant of others than ourselves, in the fear that we may fail them before they will fail us. The perfectionist will attempt to control the situation by making us perfect, or what they deem to be perfect. But despite all of this talk about perfection, the perfectionist is very aware of the shortcomings and causes a lack of confidence. While the perfectionist is often times responsible and will give everything their best, they will often times be very rigid and cause conflict when it is not necessary. In order to come to terms with the perfectionist we must accept the fact that we are only human. Mistakes will happen, but that is okay. Vulnerability and fears should not rule our lives, and neither should shame. By setting appropriate and achievable goals, and learning to treat ourselves with the love and respect that we deserve, there is hope to have a more positive perfectionist.

Sub-personalities may only be fragments of the whole, but they are essential to who we are. Keeping them in check is a very important part of maintaining healthy relationships and boundaries. Letting these sub-personalities go unchecked is going to cause unnecessary turmoil and stress. With inner work, we can develop a better understanding of our sub-personalities, and use them in positive ways in our day-to-day lives.

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