Who is the inner child?

It’s the little you:

How is the inner child formed?

From the day that we are born, we are innocent and instantly accept all of the information we receive. Since a child is new to the world we need our caregivers to nurture us in order to survive. We are influenced and therefore shaped by our parents or guardians; taught right from wrong and punished or rewarded. Our parents shape our belief system, view of the world, and impose their expectations upon us.

Children have no choice but to comply to whatever expectations and standards are put upon them. A child has no point of reference of what a healthy or unhealthy family dynamic looks like. Therefore, growing up, how would a child know if their family is functional or dysfunctional? To each child, whatever they are going through would seem normal. How would they know otherwise? This is called normalization, i.e. rationalizing abnormal, harmful, toxic, and abusive treatment as normal.

Since a child rely’s on their caregivers for survival they accept whatever they are being told. Some of those truths or mistruths are pushed on them by family members, by school, by church, by their community, by peers, and by society as a whole. In most cases parents have the most power and influence over a child’s development.

More importantly when we fail to meet our parent or guardians expectations of us it can cause us pain. In order to protect ourselves from emotional pain, we create defence mechanisms and sub-personalities in order to numb out from past wound(s) and past trauma(s).

Many children grow up feeling they have not lived up to their parents expectations in one way or another. There may be feelings of guilt and or shame that are deeper than any intellectual insight we may have. These feelings of guilt and or shame go back to our earliest years. A child may feel forbidden to express their true emotions, thoughts, needs, preferences, and grievances. A child’s sense of not having lived up to their parents expectations can feel oppressive and stay with them into adulthood. Many children grow up negatively affected by the expectations, roles and standards placed upon them as children.

How does the inner child impact us as an adult?

Looking backwards creates if only phrases like these:

The Wounded adult identifies themselves as a victim, getting stuck in a story of suffering and feeling hopeless. Themes of rejection, failure, unworthiness and longing are all prevalent in this initial common pattern.  The pain from a childhood wound will replay itself over and over in adult life until the trauma is tended to and healed. You are bound to recreate the dynamics experienced in childhood, with you as the victim.

If you were bullied at school or picked on by siblings, cousins or other peers you may continue to feel bullied as an adult by co-workers, friends and other peer groups. If you were abused by a parent or an adult you may feel abused by your boss at work, or any other perceived authority figure. Your present reactions and perception will match the way you coped with the abuse or bullying as a child.

For example…. If you suffered a handicap as a child and needed constant care you may recreate the dynamic as a caretaker in your personal relationship(s). Pay attention to the“this always happens to me” type of experiences. This can be an effective tool for recognizing the wounded child within the adult that causes us pain.

How do we heal?

1. Acknowledging the little in you

 

You may want to tell your inner Child

• I love you
• I hear you
• I’m sorry
• I am proud of you
• You are smart
• You are good enough
• I forgive you

2. Forgiveness, self-love and acceptance.

Forgiveness is one of those words that is routinely misused and misunderstood.  Letting go is not forgiveness although forgiveness cannot happen until you let go first. Forgiveness is what happens when you stop rejecting the true cause of your suffering.

Forgiveness means making room for more.

When we are unforgiving, we reject our hurtful past by not allowing it to be a part of us. Forgiveness is opening up and making room for hurt and losses.

Healing is about feeling the pain and being emotionally uncomfortable. Feeling emotions and not numbing out is often the most difficult task for people. Sometimes our inner child may just need a hug from our adult self.

The Enlightened Wounded Child discovers that by entering the darkness of their pain and working through it, they can stand in the fire of pain and not be burned.

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Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) is a branch of Al-Anon (support group for family members of alcholics) that focuses specifically on the adult children of alcoholics. ACoA exists to help educate and heal; educate about alcoholism and heal the scars left by their parent’s substance abuse. ACoA is a peer based support group, aimed at helping recovery within the family.

ACoA gives these children the opportunity to focus on their own recovery, all while their family member works on their own recovery. Often times, individuals will reach out to ACoA before their parent has decided to seek help. This is because they feel the need to know more about alcoholism than their family member has told them. They want to see past the drinking, and the other behaviours, into the causes of the alcoholism. Sometimes they just want support in making decisions regarding their relationship with their alcoholic parent.

Recovery is something that the entire family must go through. It is impossible for the addicted parent to have a successful recovery, if they are coming home to the same environment that they left. The children are responsible for learning what the triggers and warning signs are, to help their parent work through a relapse or help to prevent one from happening. Part of this recovery process is learning about codependency and what role they may have played in enabling the parent’s behaviours. It is also a time to reflect of manipulative behaviours that have been exhibited in the past. By doing so, they can learn a better way in which to handle these situations.

Alcoholism often has a greater effect than we sometimes realise. It is important that all parties are considered when dealing with the recovery process. Ensuring that all family members, including the adult children, have a place to seek support is very important. Without recovery within the family, true recovery may not be successful within the addict.

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Honesty, trust, and communication are the key pieces to a healthy and successful relationship. Without one, it is like a tricycle is missing a wheel; you won’t be going anywhere any time soon because your tricycle just doesn’t work. Building trust with the person that you are seeing is a great way to open up the lines of communication and having an honest relationship.

Trust is something that is hard to earn but very easily broken. Being completely honest with the person that you care about is a great way to earn trust. This does not mean that you need to tell them every detail of your thoughts, but you do need to be honest about who you are and what you are about.

When entering into a relationship, it is important at some point to make it clear what both parties expect from the relationship. This is so that there is no confusion around things like seeing others and cheating. Unclear boundaries can lead one or both of those involved to pushing the boundaries of the relationship to a point where there is resentment for committed indiscretions.

Cheating is seen as something that is nearly impossible for any couple to recover from. There are some relationships that do fully recover, but it takes a lot of time and hard work for healing and movement forward. Healing and taking the time to talk to your partner about what has happened is essential to pulling through cheating. However, cheating is often times just swept under the rug or pushed deep inside left to fester and grow. This is a breeding ground for resentment within a relationship.Relationships aren’t easy. They take a lot of time, work and dedication. A happy and healthy relationship is something that is possible, but it requires the above mentioned. The important thing to remember is that loving yourself comes first in a relationship. Being happy and comfortable in your own skin will attract people that are like minded. Love yourself and the rest will follow.

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